How can I get along with someone I don't like?

May 10, 2010

Yesterday at SWAT there was some anger between two groups of boys that escalated into stone throwing. I actually wasn’t shocked as I took each boy and asked them individually to stop throwing rocks and crumbed brick shards. The youth director eventually came out and called for a cease fire and for all the boys to come in the church immediately. When we gathered there in the session room, the boys sat divided by clique. It was an awkward division to me because on side was the oldest and youngest extremes of our youth-groups age brackets and the others were aged in the median. Our discussion began with ultimatums, but and the accusations grew deeper, I began to sense there was more going on than just unfairness and retaliation. These boys didn’t really know each other and in their own minds had separated themselves into ‘us’ and ‘them’ groups. I jumped on the chance to reassure them that they were all equally SWAT and that I wouldn’t suspend or disinvite any particular group of boys more so than another. That, of course didn’t sit well, but was enough to win them over into listening. It’s not fair to the older boys that the other group would come and muck-about the entire evening weekend after weekend. It’s not right for the older boys to retaliate in anger by throwing stones. It’s curious that the younger boys would feel like they need to act ‘hard’ when they come down to SWAT. It’s no wonder that ‘pack mentality’ exacerbates their antagonistic behavior.

But at the core, we as a youth ministry and church need to make sure we are putting out the right corrective measures. We won’t do them any favors by disinviting them to come back and yet we cannot tolerate this behavior. I spoke to them about loving your neighbor as you love yourself – which I translated into – you don’t throw rocks at them because you wouldn’t throw a rock at yourself. I feel like they, like most of us do in life, have run into a moral wall and are struggling with the internal question, “how do you love someone you don’t even like?” In the up coming weeks we, the leaders of the youth ministry are going to initiate Sunday night programs that address respecting one another and emphasize getting to know one another. I feel that this will change their minds about how to deal with confrontation when anger arises between them. You wouldn’t throw a stone at someone you knew well, even if you didn’t like them, and that’s the appeal toward ‘the good’ that I want to instill in these boys.

Living in Ireland Inventory

My friend Kaitlin Nelson in the States is doing a project for a social studies methods class. She had asked me to answer a few questions about Ireland so I though I'd post my responses for your benefit. Here they are:

1. What is your favorite part of being in Ireland? What do you think is most different and what is most similar to the United States?

It’s all about attitude. Most of the people I hang around are great. they're warm, welcoming have a good sense of humour. One of the differences though, about some of the population here, is that people are more prone to ‘have a moan’ which is generally a light complaint usually about something that could’ve been prevented or something so far out of control that you’d wonder why anyone would be burdened by it. It rains a lot more here than where I’m from, and on top of that, there’s no thunder to be heard here! What gives? I like that I can walk place to place here and catch the bus which comes by every 10 mins or so.

2. What are the traditional food people eat in Ireland? Are there foods that you would see in the United States but don’t see in Ireland?

Potatoes, Potatoes, and Potatoes! It’s not uncommon to have 2 or 3 different preparations of potatoes served in the same meal. As a matter of fact today at lunch I had both boiled and chips (fries) on my plate. I just tried a local food here called ‘pasti’ the other night. If you ever see it near you, …Run! There’s also meat concoctions called black pudding and white pudding that I don’t much care for, however their bacon here is like a thick ham strip. Num nums. (they call ours ‘streaky bacon’)

3. What does someone from Ireland wear on a normal day? What do they wear on special occasions or holidays?

Pretty much the same as in America, each class will dress respective to their lifestyle. Although the students uniforms look like those of the houses in Harry Potter!

4. What does a typical house look like? Is it different or the same from homes in the United States? Are the houses in neighborhoods or more spread out?

They call ‘em 2 up 2 down (in reference to the # of rooms up and down stairs. In a moderate to low income housing development like I live in, space would be tighter than the standards in America ( but maybe that’s just because I’m from TX, hahaha) Our fridge is the size of college student dorm room fridges and same with the washing machine. Neighborhoods are densely packed; this island ain’t getting any bigger.

5. What is the most frequent form of transportation in Ireland? (Cars, busses, subways, bikes, walking, etc.)

Here in Belfast it’s Cars and Busses. There is no subway here, and riding a bike like I do you have to be really carefully as the streets are very narrow and crowded. There will be more people walking about on the streets than you’d find in America, but then again the way the city is set up, it’s more convenient that way. In America the places you’d typically go in a day are just so spread out you’d benefit with a car. (but the environment wouldn’t…aww L)

6. Are there any possessions people might have that are of value to them? Are there any possessions Americans would have that people in Ireland do not value?

I don’t know where to start on that one, sorry J

7. What do people usually do for fun in Ireland? (Parks, recreation, entertainment, etc.)

Pubs and Clubs

8. Are there any special standards of beauty that are different from Americans? (ie. American women shave their legs/underarms and wear makeup…is there anything like that that Irish do or do not do?)

I’m sure all the shaving is the same, however since there is rarely abundant sunshine here, the vast majority of the population would be pale. Spray-tan or Fake-bake as it’s called is more prominent here. Also there would be very sheik hair styles here and lots of hosiery and eye-shadow.

9. What are the signs of non verbal communication? (In the United States a thumbs up might be a good thing. Are there any symbols that they use that are similar or different?)

In passing someone (usually between men) instead of lifting your chin and letting your head rock back (as in a ‘what’s up’ motion) the men tend to jerk their chin to the side leaving the head to tilt to the other side. …I don’t know why it amuses me so much. J

10. What are the languages used in Ireland?

Mostly English here in Belfast, although there are some shops and plaques here in Gaelic. If you go down to the Republic you’ll find the Street signs are in both English and Gaelic.

11. What does a typical family look like? Do people tend to have more or less kids? Is the household the same as it would be in the United States or do other family members live in the same house (Aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.)

One of my co-workers is a Granny and she’s got to be no more than mid to late 30’s. I wouldn’t see a lot of big families now, but the age at which girls have their children seems younger than in the States. Like in the States, most Grandparents tend to have their own residence.

12. What is the government like and how much control do the people have? (Is there voting? What are the police in charge of? What kind of jails are there?)

As Northern Ireland has come out of the fighting and rioting of the Troubles, its police force is actually world renown for the advancements, in such areas as forensics, they would have from dealing with such violence. The Parliament here is split between representing the Unionist movement (those who wish to stay connected to the UK) and the Republican movement those who wish for Ireland as a whole to be self ruled. There is gerrymandering over the precincts here, but I can’t say much more detailed than that.

13. Are there any social or religious conflicts going on in Ireland currently?

Here in Belfast the peace walls are still up and there still remains an animosity about not going near or mingling with ‘the other side.’ But for the most part people are generally starting to enjoy a sense of peace.

14. What are the systems of trade an exchange? What kind of money do they use? Are there markets and stores that are similar or different from those in the United States?

The currency here in Belfast Northern Ireland is Pounds Sterling whereas the currency in the Republic of Ireland is the Euro. With globalization in the economy, the markets are starting to resemble the shops in America. However most here in Europe will be set in a sort of strip mall style rather than each store is its own edifice.

15. What type of education is available in Ireland? Are there colleges and Universities? What age do kids start going to school and what is the school system like?

Instead of splitting into three (elementary, middle and high school) the system here only has two (Primary and Secondary schools) for kids entering school until 18. Yes, there are plenty of Colleges and Universities here.

16. What are the major religions practiced in Ireland? Which is the most prominent?

Christianity – either Protestant or Catholic

17. What American holidays are not celebrated in Ireland?

Thanksgiving and Fourth of July.

18. What do people do for St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland?

Not as much as the US actually, there’s a parade and the Catholic kids get off school but the protestant kids don’t.

Growing up

March 7, 2010

I’m learning, stumbling as I may be, about being passionate about your work and yet holding back so that it doesn’t consume your life.

Maybe that’s what lunatics did; indulge their passions so much that it eventually alienated them from their context.

I don’t want to be a lunatic, but I do want to see things through this year.

Unfortunately, I have a start-up and choke record that could make a novice stick-driver chuckle.

I get jazzed and enthused about new ideas for SWAT, the youth ministry here, and how we can shape the way each night will go. But then when it comes to planning, and communicating those plans to the other leaders, I drop the ball.

In this particular line of work it, my dropping the ball is a disservice to the youth and I’m ashamed each time I do it.

I know the of the time and preparation that goes into this work, but I also know no one person could, or should, go it alone. And so this helps me to put my “aims” into perspective.

After all, I just want to be one of the tires on the bus God is driving.

~Phen

More Leaders Please. 2 Feb 2010

I’ve been under a bit of stress lately but don’t assume it’s with a negative connotation so quickly, because some stress can be a good thing. My particular case, here in my 6^th month of volunteering, is once again, knowing my role. This time, however, it is from a different angle. I have busied myself with planning youth group on a Sunday night, Bible classes for BB and GB, and Bible Study for Tuesday morning. Results have been that numbers of attendance have grown, which to anyone might sound like a good thing. And it is. But with more numbers comes more responsibility and that’s what’s got me a bit stressed. I enjoy helping out with the youth and connecting with them to cultivate growth and nurturing, but I realize that as important as that is in the short run, if we are going to maintain that quality of involvement we’re going to need more leaders in the long run. As we’ve been experimenting with group dynamics in the past months we’ve found that the smaller number of kids you have per group, in general, usually results in better communication and understanding. Further we’ve sorted by age and maturity so that each group can receive the message at their level of comprehension.

But with all the work that’s gone into coming to these conclusions I’ve lost sight of some bigger picture issues like: We’re in Northern Ireland!; where people who identify themselves as Catholic or Protestant still have some scars to be healed. I’ve been working so long on the individual level that I had left out thinking about how these lessons could specifically help out in their larger community. I felt like I had my eyes closed while I was dancing on a floor scattered with pins and needles. No wonder we’re here for at least a year, because it takes you at least this long just to realize and appreciate how many dynamics you’re working within. It’s enough to make your head spin (and so it has mine). ((and yes, earlier I ended a sentence with a preposition, so what?))

I’ve grown in my faith and character here as well. For instance: knowing who I am in Christ. I am Stephen Cottingham, 23 years old, 6’ and 180lb(depending on how long the party goes). I can help with the leadership roles of the youth group. I can offer ideas for how to organize and run the youth program. I can be a listening ear for those who need to talk to someone. I can give you most anything I have that you ask me for because it’s out of the abundance of that which I have been given. But I couldn’t do any of these things without the Holy Spirit and Christ’s body – the church. And so it is because I’ve come to this realization that I know that I must not be the sole dependent factor in which the youth get led. In the same way that we need to continue nurturing the youth we also need to cultivate those who would lead the youth. Most people get really energized about supporting the youth but it seems like they lose a bit a of steam when it comes to ‘Who’s gonna sign up to lead?’ Ask what you can do to help out with the youth program close to you because I think it would be rare to find a program that says, “No thanks, we’ve got it all sorted.”

My plan is to make the youth more visible to the congregation, currently, in terms of youth led worship and a monthly slideshow presentation to display what the kids have done over the past month. This, I feel, might help to bridge more relationship between the age gaps and shed that anxiety some get because we think we’re faced with a mountain of responsibility and we don’t know what to expect or how to handle it. The truth is we’re responsible anyway, so if we can just knock that anxiety mountain down in our heads and crumble those things that might keep us from embracing and seeking out to help the youth, we can make a difference.

~Phen

Grin-and-bear-it

I went to a men’s conference a while back. The whole day consisted of inspirational keynote speakers and worship and engaging seminars. I was on the spiritual mountain top along with 2000 other men from all around the UK. So, I decided, with my other friends there, that we need to take what we’ve learned here and share it back at the church so that all can join in on the experience. Great intensions no doubt. However, when I organized my notes and gave a small talk during church service, my efforts and enthusiasm seemed to go over as mere novelty. Obviously I understand that they’re not going to as taken profoundly as I was, because my unique experience came from a conference they never attended. However, in my earnestness to share with them the power and necessity of prayer, I came across a trend of perception towards prayer that I realize now I had been a part of…until now.

We offered prayer for those you wished after the service was over in the sanctuary; But, I didn’t hold any expectations so as not to be surprised or disappointed. A few came, I went around and invited some others. But the expressions or comments I received was: “oh, no thanks, I’m alright” or “no thanks, I’ve got to go do something else.” Prayer was something that you only did when something was wrong…or so it seemed. And I remember that being the case with my self. I went through life happy as a clam and then when tragedy strikes all-the-sudden, my religion becomes all the more important. What I learned in this church/culture is that even when that same tragedy strikes, you don’t always talk about it to others. You keep it under the rug until it sorts itself out. You grin-and-bear-it. No wonder people weren’t coming up for prayer afterwards. Prayers to God, the really tough stuff, the intimate stuff, the embarrassing stuff, the taboo stuff, that all stays in private. The fear of being alienated or feeling judged stops us from opening up because we know people will talk (aside from those that will keep it confidential). We worry so much about what other people think about us that we sometimes forget where to draw the line between living up to societal standards and having a healthy release of our troubles, addictions, and scandalous behavior.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying next time we go to church we have to spiritually spew out all our intimate details to the prayer team (although it’s a place you can). But at the same time I am saying that the human experience is not something we go alone. It is more likely that when we open up and share our prayers and concerns that we will find support and someone that can relate rather than not.

Prayer wasn’t always something I was very good at. In fact, I’m still learning about the differences in small groups personal prayers and leading an entire congregation in prayer. But prayer means something different to me now than it used to. It doesn’t depend on how I feel at the particular moment but rather my sincerity and honesty with myself and God. I feel like even the word ‘prayer’ has become so much of a religious term that people shy away from it because they don’t know how to handle it. (like me) Once I realized that prayer was simply communication between me and God it because easier to think of it in terms of conversation with a father, a best friend, someone who knows and loves you very deeply. If it makes sense, prayer is a big deal you don’t need to make a big deal about it. God is unshockable. I suppose that if we are going to follow Jesus and call ourselves his church then we need also adopt the unshockable characteristic that responds to the outcast with love and forgiveness rather than banishment and gossip.

Hammer Time

Street Performer Eric